####1. “Spooky,” The Classics IV

Apparently the singer’s girlfriend is “spooky.” He goes on about it for an entire song, but what unsettles him so is left vague. Eventually he gets to the point:

>First you say no
>You’ve got some plans for the night
>And then you stop, and say,
>”All right.”

So he finds her so weird and creepy because she’s indecisive. This is a very nervous man. He must break out in a cold sweat in the cereal aisle when he passes the Count Chocula boxes.

####2. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel

The singer is playing piano in a bar, where the patrons

>…Sit at the bar
>And put bread in my jar
>And say, “Man, what are you doing here?

Forget, for a moment, the weird faux-beatnik use of the word “bread.” What do those bar guys think he’s doing there? Obviously, the management hired him to come in and play the piano. Or are they asking, “What are you, famous pop star Billy Joel, doing playing piano for tips in a crummy bar?” In which case, hey, good question.

####3. “Try a Little Tenderness,” Jimmy Campbell, Reginald Connelly, & Harry Woods (composers)

This song advises that when “she gets weary” of “wearing that same old worn out dress,” you should “try a little tenderness.” I’m sorry, but I don’t see the connection. If she can’t afford to buy enough clothes, it seems like an economic issue rather than a relationship problem. Instead of increasing your tenderness quotient, why not unionize her workplace and strike for higher wages?

####4. “O Superman,” Laurie Anderson

Why is Superman hassling Laurie Anderson with prank calls about plane schedules? Isn’t Lex Luthor keeping him busy enough? I think it’s time for the other Superfriends to stage an intervention.